i have good news and bad news!

I know you want the bad news first! I'll be leaving this blog. Its so funny to me because every couple of years since freshman year in high school I've made a new blog. I guess its because I'm constantly growing and I feel that I need a change to fit my huge change in my life.

Ok! now to the good news! I made a new blog haha! of course it's going to be pretty much the same but more focus on becoming a woman and living on my own.  Right now im just messing around trying to get a feel of what to post but I hope you enjoy it!

http://embracethebeautiful.blogspot.com/

It's hard out here for a pimp...

I cant ask for anymore than that...but I embrace the struggle because once it's over, life will be even sweeter. Embrace the struggle.
- Shani

No joke.

New York is a tough crowd. There's too many people out here trying to succeed and even more trying to get by. But I like it! it's been difficult trying to get situated but I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm just grateful I have family a train ride away and a supportive boyfriend.

I got this job as a telephone interviewer in the city and for 7.25 they are out they're mind because it's been by far the hardest job I've had yet. It's a start though.

I'm thankful and and hopeful for the future.

the best gift..

I love when he sends me his poetry on Facebook even though he's sitting right next to me his poetry always paints colorful abstract pictures in my head idk why but here's what he sent me tonight...

Crowned queen
Lavender sea swell african brown skin
Such a beautiful sight
Tangled love in confusing world
A lot of things aren't adding up
But the way the lavender sea swell the African brown skin
Have me oh so sure
Empress of the land
I protect with my bare hands
Hope she feel the love in my touch
Hold her tight under the peaceful lavender sea
Oh what a dream
Laying under the beautiful lavender sea
such a queen
And I am her caribbean king
Going to war
Under the tiny lavender sea

Marriage?

I think Im obsessed with getting married! I don't know if it's because I'm turning 21 on Monday or I just want a ring on my finger. This guy though, I can never stay mad at him for 5 mins. When we kiss we never go up for air and when I'm minding my own he kisses me all over like crazy til I start to laugh. When were out and give him a little peck on the cheek his whole mood lightens up and I feel like I can tell him anything.

Even though things aren't as I hoped to be, I never been so happy with someone for this long. Yea the way he acts sometimes irritates and I'm sure my ocd'ness pisses him off but we deal, but the hardest part is celibacy. Although it is refreshing to be with someone that respects my wishes of no sex, sometimes I forget that I wanted that, I mean we live together and were young but I refuse to let that be an excuse to break our promise. I know I torture him when I try to seduce him on purpose, but I'm working on it. He's resisted so far, and it shows me that he is a really strong man.  I can't even get offended by that, I'm actually impressed because I don't want to toot my own horn but you know haha okay Im done rambling lol. But I love him and I'm very thankful to have him in my life.

& after reading all the reasons why I want to get married, I just realized I'm not obsessed with marriage, I want to marry him.

dodging "bad love" bullets.

21 years old is right around the corner and I'm proud to say that I'm officially not a sucker for love.

I feel like I been there done that when it comes to relationships.

I have come a mighty long way from holding my pillow at night wishing that the guy in my english class would notice me days...

 obviously that never got the guy to notice me and when they did they end up being not what I expected.

I know for a fact I need to stop jumping from one guy to the next in hopes of my version of a fairytale ending, a guy actually taking me out on a date!

It doesn't have to be the typical candle light dinner, why is that so hard?

 I don't want to hear it’s a recession either!

I just want a guy who loves to see a girl happy and not expect anything out of it.

Needless to say Shani don’t love them hoes and from now on Shani is on a hiatus...

I'm going to be unavailable and focus on what’s important the most, me.

spring is in the air...

Time to buy a new wardrobe, even though the VA weather has been sorta bipolar. Most of my summer clothes are in Cali, which is bitter sweet because I get to shop, but on the other hand I don't want to spend money. ehhh..

I'm bored...

my babe makes du-rags look sexy...lol

the end. lol

as of June 30th..

(google)

MY life will never be the same.

The month of June was defiantly not my month. 

I was emotional, discouraged, and pessimistic. Then I started getting sick.

Never threw up, just a constant gagging feeling, and I'm thinking to my self ...

Oh you must have a bad stomach bug or something. As the days go by I'm still feeling nauseated, and I pick up these food cravings. Now, that's no shocker to me because I love food, like passionately love food

so I'll occasionally go to In-and-Out burger 10 in the morning to get the animal style burger and fries. lol 

Then the end of June comes and everyone around me is getting my period, so I know mine will be coming soon...wrong. 

I'm delusional, as I create a million of excuses as to why my period is late. 

                               1. I'm taking a fitness class.

                               2. I'm sexually active.

                               3. Probably my horrible diet.

                               4. Maybe my cycle is off.

Update: The ex I talked about in my previous posts, well...we got back together and you know what he told me? He told me, "I think you're pregnant." NAHHH! no way, in my mind I'm totally denying it. A couple days go by and I'm have the worst morning sickness ever, all day everyday. I thought morning sickness means you throw up in the morning! maybe I shouldn't have taken that term too literal but after I decided to make a doctors appointment for June 30th at 1:30 pm. 

My boyfriend comes along with me, and as I met the medical assistant, she weighs me and the asks me. " Have you been urinating a lot? I shrugged and said yea. So she gave me a cup to piss in. I go to my room sit on the weird leather bed thingy, a couple mins go by and then my doctor comes in with the results. "Your test came out positive..." I smile at my boyfriend and back at her, and I'm thinking to myself ha! I knew I wasn't preg...wait she said positive, oh shit! Then all these flashes of stuff, my future, everything go through my head. I'm sweating, and breathing hard as she talks to me about my options and stuff I honestly don't remember . She sounded like the parents on Peanuts. lol no lie...I couldn't even look at Larry. I know he's happy, but its not supposed to be this way. 

Todays Update: I still feel like crap, and I threw up for the first time today trying to eat a salad! yayy! But I believe this is a blessing, and a miracle in disguise. I'm glad I have wise and encouraging people in my life because I know I'd be feeling very ashamed of myself right about now, but thank God I don't. I plan to love this child and sacrifice all I have. I want my child to be a happy child of God and know Him like I know Him. I'm 5 weeks and it sucks right now, but I'm smiling on the inside and it'll get better soon.